Somebody's a little ticked off.
Below is Conan O'Brien's monologue from Tuesday's "Tonight Show."
Earlier Tuesday, Conan issued a statement saying he would not agree to host the "Tonight Show" at midnight, as NBC had wanted. His eloquent, impassioned statement led to a frenzy of speculation that he may be quitting the "Tonight Show" gig — and there are reports that if he does, NBC will soon unleash "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: The Squeakquel."
Here is a transcript of Conan's monologue; it was issued by NBC on Tuesday (I will update this post with video as soon as it becomes available):
"Hello, my name is Conan O’Brien, and I may soon be available for children’s parties.
"Welcome to NBC. Where our new slogan is, 'No longer just screwing up prime-time.'
"When I was a little boy, I remember watching 'The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson' and thinking 'Someday, I’m going to host that show for 7 months.'
"NBC says they’re planning to have the late night situation worked out before the Winter Olympics start. And trust me, when NBC says something – you can take that to the bank!
"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is still under fire for remarks he made about President Obama’s 'blackness.' Sources say Reid could face Congressional censure, or even worse, be promised the 'The Tonight Show' at 11:30.
"The CEO of Domino’s Pizza Patrick Doyle says their pizza has been bad in the past but they’re coming out with a new recipe. Perhaps, part of the problem is their pizza’s made by a guy named Patrick Doyle.
"A university student in England has come up with a math equation to explain why he doesn't have a girlfriend. I don’t even know the guy but I think I understand why he doesn’t have a girlfriend.
"This week in Las Vegas, the world’s first life-size sex robot was unveiled and she comes with 5 different personalities. Because let’s face it, what a guy is looking for in a sex robot is a nice personality.
"The movie reviewer at the Vatican newspaper has called the film “Avatar” simplistic, superficial, bland, sappy and unoriginal. Sounds like someone forgot to get stoned."